UK wins Eurovision….because no other country has ever got close…

Eurovision Song Contest 2012 Baku "Love will set you free"

Every year, millions of people tune in to see a singing contest which serves up a musical kaleidoscope of vomit. An über-camp spectacle of ridiculous pop wannabes looking for their fifteen minutes of fame in the hope that it will lead to a Europe-wide hit single and perhaps immortality, only to be instantly forgotten until the whole thing kicks off again the following year.

But I’m not here to talk about the X-factor final. Let’s talk about the Eurovision Song Contest instead. The contest was a regular feature of my life as I grew up, from Brotherhood of Man, Bucks Fizz and er, Samantha Janus.

The build up to this year’s contest in Baku (Google it) has been entertaining. First Armenia declared they were withdrawing from the contest in protest at the host country er, Azerbaijan’s treatment of er, something or other. This was naturally a mortal blow to the musical contest as a whole which will miss Armenia’s extraordinary rock and pop heritage, which consists of er, precisely nothing.

Then the UK stepped up with the septuagenarian Engelbert Humperdinck whose dubious claim to fame is that his novelty song “Please Release Me” kept Penny Lane / Strawberry Fields off the number 1 slot in 1967, which resulted in the eventual split of The Beatles. Thanks Englebert. (NB. I know that’s not exactly why they split up, but let’s not let the facts get in the way of a good story).

This clearly rattled the Russians, who took the view of “Anything you can do, we can do better” and voted in half a dozen octogenarian grannies / matrioshka dolls to sing their song, a certain case of one-upmanship, and a blatant attempt to win over the “silver” voters. I was half expecting Azerbaijan to come up with a ninety year old until I realised the average life expectancy for men over there is 63…

All of which is highly entertaining, but you can’t help be left with the feeling that this is the equivalent of watching a herd of cows fighting over a typewriter.

It’s also slightly baffling that the United Kingdom condescends to participate. I hope my European and American followers will forgive any slight jingoism here (at least those who are not asking “What the heck is the Eurovision Song Contest?”) , but we do rather seem to have already won this contest.

Somehow, between all the rain, recessions, currency devaluations and everything else that may or may not be wrong with this country, we have managed to give the world The Beatles, The Rolling Stones,  The Kinks,  The Who, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Black Sabbath, The Clash, Queen, Radiohead, Oasis, Blur, Pulp, Muse…(pause for breath) Amy Winehouse, Adele, Mumford & Sons, George Michael, Elton John, Eric Clapton, yada yada yada…

Even the larger European countries struggle against that lot. Sweden hit the jackpot with Abba. Germany lead the rest of Europe with Kraftwerk, Nena and The Scorpions (still not that great a return over sixty years if we’re being brutally honest), France have Jonny Halliday and Spain gave the world the Macarena. Italy and Austria can point to opera and orchestral music, but so what? It doesn’t exactly rock… *

Why are we having a competition with (in the nicest possible way) Kazakstan or whoever about who has the best songs?!! And why don’t we just enter Adele? (Is that cheating?). It’s Adele’s world right now. We’re just living in it..

It’d be like watching Stephen Hawking playing a five year old at noughts and crosses, but (and this is the annoying bit) getting the five year old’s classmates to judge the contest. It’s just a waste of everybody’s time. Hawking should be solving the great problems of time and space, not poncing about with five year olds playing games he can’t win because the voting is fixed. Something that, judging by the recent elections, Russia is allegedly getting very good at. Allegedly.

I predict a landslide win for the Russian Grannies….or the Russian occupation of Azerbaijan. Watch this space.

The Eurovision Song Contest is on BBC1 on Saturday 26th May. At the same time that Judas Priest play Hammersmith Apollo. You choose.

The first semi-final is tonight on BBC3.

*Apologies for the unfair selectiveness of these countries’ musical outputs. Very unkind of me. But anything to raise a smile…





13 responses to “UK wins Eurovision….because no other country has ever got close…”

  1. 80smetalman Avatar

    Unfortunately, Eurovision voting has all come down to regional politics. How about a Euro metal competition?


    1. every record tells a story Avatar

      Good idea. We’ll hold it at Donington. Call it Download or something. It might catch on…


      1. meganchapple Avatar

        I’m going to Download. I think the year Lordi won was the only time my metal buddies watched the competition


      2. every record tells a story Avatar

        Lordi! It was worth their entering the competition just to see the looks on people’s faces…


  2. 80smetalman Avatar

    Failing that, we could hold near Tamworth and call it Bloodstock


    1. Feni Avatar

      I’m sitting on my couch, latpop on my legs, working. The house is quiet my husband is seeing patients back in the office, and I’m working. I decide to pause and run through Google Reader. I’m immediately interested in reading this post because of the title of it, but when I read this I busted out laughing: Then add xenophobia, bad blood, neighbourly love, dubious ethnic costumes, weird instruments, and mangled lyrics. You make it sound so good. 🙂


  3. mskatykins Avatar

    This is a fun post, very well written. Personally I don’t think we should have got Katrina and the Waves or Gina G as they’re not really British artists… oh yeah and the songs were mince! Only nit with this piece is the Armenia comment. As a huge System of a Down fan, I feel the need to point out that I think 3/4 of the band are of Armenian heritage… but that’s just me being particular. 😉


    1. every record tells a story Avatar

      Ah! I knew someone would tell me that Armenia had done something worthwhile! Google came up with nothing when I checked. Apologies to Armenians everywhere for the slur. Still: three quarters of a band is still a pretty terrible return since the Iron Curtain fell…


      1. mskatykins Avatar

        What can I say, I’m pedantic! 🙂


  4. Phillip Helbig Avatar

    Whatever one thinks of the ESC, the main reason that English rock bands are more famous than those from other countries is that people in other countries are willing to listen to English bands but bands from other countries, even if they sing in English, have a hard time, mainly because people in England don’t listen to them. If they don’t sing in English, then they have essentially no chance in England.

    ESC voting is politics? Not really. Yes, many countries vote for neighbouring countries (even if they were recently at war), but this is mainly due to similar tastes in music. Also, many countries actually send famous contemporary musicians so they are well known in the neighbouring countries. It really doesn’t influence the outcome, though. When Serbia won, someone calculated that Serbia would have won even if only the “old” countries had voted. When Serbia won, it was, by any sensible measure, by far the best song. (Also, the female singer showed almost no skin, which proves that this is not the route to win.)


    1. every record tells a story Avatar

      Thanks for your comments! I agree that English people like to hear English lyrics. We have terrible language skills – me included. The only foreign language songs that were successful over here were all French: Ca Plan Pour Moi, Je T’aime and Joe Le Taxi. Even I knew what the latter was about. Still no idea what Ca Plan Pour Moi means. It doesn’t matter – it’s a great tune!


  5. Omanuaeexchange Avatar

    Jedward scares me a ltitle bit. They remind me of a young Robert Pattinson/Clay Aiken mix, and it creeps me out that there’s TWO OF THEM.I’m not crazy about Denmark’s entry this year, it’s horribly cliche9 and while I know that’s in the spirit of Eurovision, I still think they could’ve done better (by, I don’t know, NOT ripping off Sweden). I didn’t watch it yesterday, but I might watch it tonight, there’s always some really funny ones inbetween! 🙂 Thanks for reminding me!


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