The music world was reeling last night after rumours spread that the forthcoming album by saviours of French-Canadian-tinged indie rock Arcade Fire might be “Almost, but not quite, as good as the last one”.
The shock revelation that Arcade Fire may not have literally sprung fully formed from the loins of Zeus, but actually be just a better-than-average indie rock band threw regions of East London and Clapham into a state of pandemonium.
Gastro pubs in Shoreditch and Hoxton were flooded with twenty-somethings looking confused and slightly dazed, talking in worried, hushed whispers about a 3/10 review of “Reflektor” on music website Underwater Tunes. The album is released on Monday.
“I can’t believe it” said one disillusioned young person dressed in a baggy jumper, tight jeans, beard, hideous flat cap and brogues, “I have been telling my friends for years that Arcade Fire are the future of rock and can do no wrong, but based on one person’s snap review of an album I haven’t heard yet I am starting to doubt myself”.
“I even liked the songs on “Funeral” that Régine Chassagne sang” he added morosely, “But now I’m not so sure. I began to worry when I heard they didn’t know how to spell the word “reflector”. It’s easy: “R-E-F-L-E-C-T-A- no, wait…”
Sky Fogle, editor of Indie Rock website “The Zip” tried to reassure fans last night. “I would appeal to everyone for a period of calm” he said. “Although we have only been allowed by Arcade Fire’s record label to hear the double album once, we can assure fans that it is only slightly worse than “Suburbs”. Probably. We can confirm, however that it does go on a bit.
“Fans should console themselves that it isn’t as bad as all that. It’s like when “Monster” was released after “Automatic For The People” or “New Jersey” after “Slippery When Wet“. It’s still nowhere near as disastrous as Mumford & Sons‘ last album,” added Fogle. “Or their first, come to think of it…”
But for some fans this wasn’t good enough. “I have built up enormous and unrealistic expectations about the new record” said Tarquin Dangleberry, 28, from Dalston, “and I will blame the band entirely if they fail to meet them”.
“I had already started liking them a little bit less after everyone else started liking them” added Tarquin. “I’m going to log on to Pitchfork to find something a bit cooler – perhaps with some Nicaraguan goat-flutes…”
The editor of Underwater Tunes stood by his review last night. “They are getting far too popular” he said “and all this going off to Haiti for charitable reasons is starting to get on our nerves. If Arcade Fire want to be Bono, then we’re going to treat them like Bono. That means patronising two star reviews I’m afraid.
“The only way we can bring down talented people to our level is by giving them unnecessary and mean spirited feedback. That’ll learn them quicker than you can say “backlash”. Now, I’m off to write an article to bring Springsteen down a peg or two. That “Born To Run” album is so over-rated…”
Record #247: Arcade Fire – Reflektor