Traditions. We have a number of traditions in the UK, and many are wonderful. Afternoon tea. Cricket. Moaning about the weather. And there are those that are less wonderful. Queueing. Apologising to the person who has just bumped into you. X-Factor.
Add to that list the traditional post-Record Store Day look at eBay. There’s that Bowie picture disc and Abba coloured vinyl that the person in front of you in the queue nabbed the last of, marked up to three times it’s value, waiting to be picked like fruit off the vine from the clutches of some opportunistic early-riser who still lives with their mum at the age of fifty-four.
It’s a sad fact that by the close of Record Store Day last night, nearly 250 copies of David Bowie’s Rock n Roll Suicide picture disc were for sale on eBay. That’s 10% of all the copies of the record in existence. I think it’s time to call a time out on this nonsense. (I secured my copy through legitimate means, so no, I’m not biased or bitter).
Whilst in a previous article I attempted to excuse these fiends in human form, perhaps it is time to stick the proverbial size ten studded Adidas Predators in and get to the bottom of why some people think its okay to flip records. The mature and adult conclusion I have reached is that they must be lizards, in league with Satan.
1. Evil Intent. Would they stand at the docks in Ethiopia waiting for the Live Aid grain to come on board, only to buy it all up, and then try to sell it to starving Africans at twice the price? Because selling Record Store Day records on eBay is the same thing. Sort of. Okay, not really.
2. A suspicious love of the night. Flippers wake up at 3am to go to a record shop on record store day. Who willingly gets up that early unless they’re going on holiday? Satanists and record flippers, that’s who. And probably not even Satanists except on special occasions / when there’s a full moon.
3. Hat-wearing. If you look at the first half dozen people in the queue outside every record store in the UK on Record Store Day, (NB: Strong probability they’re all flippers) you’ll notice they all have one thing in common. They’re all wearing hats. And why are they all wearing hats? To keep warm? Ha! That’s what they want you to think! It’s to Hide The Horns On Their Heads…….
4. They introduced the word “flipper” into the English language. “Flipper” used to be a cute dolphin until those b*****s took the word and resold it to us (doubtless for a profit). That poor dolphin is probably caught in a tuna net somewhere or has turned to drink, or squid ink, or whatever depressed dolphins turn to when vinyl-savvy TV executives keep turning them down for parts because “no-one wants to employ a flipper”….
5. Probable Use of Magic To Get The Records In The First Place. There are a suspicious number of Record Store Day records available for sale on eBay prior to the day itself. Unless somebody somewhere is breaking the rules (which seems incredibly unlikely – I mean how could they?) the only other explanation is witchcraft. There’s clearly a tried and tested way of discovering witchcraft: tie them up and throw them in water. If they float, they’re a witch. If they drown, they’re innocent, but at least we’ll have one less record flipper. *
6. Misery Creators: They are preventing hundreds of innocent people from collating a perfect record collection which reflects their unique personality at relatively low cost, which as everyone knows is the secret to happiness. This is causing thousands untold misery. Just like how Satanists would want you to feel.
7. Encouraging Lies. In making auctions more expensive, they are encouraging people to lie to their partners about just how much that limited edition coloured vinyl actually cost on eBay. Not me, obviously *cough* er, no – I’m made of much stronger moral fibre. Encouraging lies is worse than the lie itself though, definitely…
8. Destruction of Property / Making People Invoke The Lord’s Name. By raising people’s hopes of buying something cheaply, only to allow, nay encourage, seven sniper eBay bidders to subsequently outbid them with four seconds left on the clock is malevolent and evil. It encourages a culture where people might unwittingly throw their computers across the room in frustration, whilst swearing violently. Apparently. Not me, obviously. Anyway, that was a long time ago…
9. Theft. Let’s face it, it’s legalised robbery isn’t it?
10. Making everything in the world just that little bit worse – and making Rock n Roll the preserve of the rich. Do we really want to live in a world where nice records are just a rich man’s plaything? Not, I would suggest, unless we’re rich. And we’re not. Do we want the charts to be as full of former Eton school kids as the current Government? Would the Gallagher brothers have been more bearable had they gone to Charterhouse? (Might Genesis have been better if they hadn’t?). NB. There are fewer bands in rock history who got better the richer they became than did the reverse…
So there you have it. Ten good reasons. So, if you happen to have a record you don’t want, and you were thinking of flipping it on eBay, think again. Unless of course you really are a Satanist, in which case that’s probably the sort of evil thing you should be doing anyway….
* Legal note: Every Record Tells A Story does not condone the drowning of record flippers (or any other kind of medieval criminology /detective method of dealing with record flippers).