It’s always difficult to know what gifts to buy for the music lover in your life. Sometimes just buying a CD seems a little…lazy. On the other hand, you know they’ll probably enjoy that more than a Christmas jumper or pair of novelty socks. But some people feel awkward or even a bit silly going into an intimidating record store to ask for the latest album by A Winged Victory For The Sullen, or Lay Llamas. Or Hiss Golden Messenger.
But fear not, because this year, Every Record Tells A Story has teamed up with the world’s greatest manufacturers of musical goods and is proud to present The Every Record Tells A Story Christmas Gift Range 2014.
All items are available by return of post – just send cheques, postal orders, credit card details and cash to the usual address. And remember these items are Not Available In The Shops…..*
Here’s what’s available:
Solange and Jay-Z Battling Robots
Re-create the most epic battle scene since Bjork last saw a photographer at an airport with this battling robot set. Please note: The Jay-Z robot does not hit back, but has to duck for cover under a barrage of blows. The game finishes when the Jay-Z robot’s chin pops up, and an auto-tuned voice says “Now I have a hundred problems”. How long can you withstand the attack? Comes complete with Lift “battleground” and a cardboard cut-out of a disgruntled-looking Beyoncé. Price: Ninety nine dollars.
Special Rare Jack White Ultra-Ultra-Ultra-LP (Celebrity Diss Edition)
Limited edition of Jack White’s latest album which, depending upon where you lower the needle, you can either hear songs, or hear extracts from different interviews with Jack White where he makes disparaging remarks about either The Black Keys, Katy Perry, Foo Fighters or Adele. Only available via Third Man Records, or Wal-Mart. Just $3,499. (Batteries not included) Comes with bonus 7″ single in blue vinyl of various half-hearted apologies recorded in a direct to acetate sound booth.
Band Aid 30 – “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” Board Game
Roll the dice and try to guess the names of the people singing on the record! It’s trickier than it looks! Lyrics round! Can you guess where they cut out the lyrics about there being no rivers and snow in Africa? Includes Bonus Round where you pretend to be Adele and the other players try to persuade you to take part. Price: £638.44 All profits go to the Band Aid trust to fight Ebola and any snooty remarks made by Damon Albarn.
U2 Letter Box
Special letter box shaped like a pair of Bono’s sunglasses. Fit to your door, to help make your house the biggest and best in the world. Added bonus: Every now and then the band will insist on posting a copy of their album to you whether you want them to or not…
Price: Free, in return for certain items of confidential information about you and your shopping habits.
Update: This item may appear to have Sold Out.
Liam Gallagher Out-of-Action Man
Complete with monobrow features. New for 2014! Pull string at back and hear one of seventeen different swear words! Improved Mancunian accent now even broader! Comes with “fast-punch” active arms for brawling in bars. Update: “Beady Eye” Model with wheel at back of head has just been discontinued. Also discontinued: Beady Eye “In Concert” Set including bass player, guitar player, drummer and bored-looking crowd. Now comes with sofa for extended reclining activity and realistic phone accessory for figure to sit next to waiting for Noel (not supplied) to ring. Price 40p.
* Legal note: Or indeed at all.