On the Brit Awards tonight we got to see the great and the good of British Pop.
It’s a wonderful thing. In past years we have witnessed Samantha Fox and Mick Fleetwood demonstrate the World’s Worst TV Presenting, Jarvis dissing Michael Jackson’s awful Christ imitation and Geri Halliwell wearing a very small union jack dress.
We started on the red carpet as Rizzle Kicks interviewed Dave Grohl, looking suitably humble. Grohl confessed he had no idea who was playing that night. I suspect he also didn’t know who Rizzle Kicks are (and neither do I – although I do understand they feature on an Olly Murs song).
We then thrilled to the sight of James Cordon asking “Who’s Ne-Yo?” Wonderful. He’s only hosting the awards, but I guess he does have a point.
Cordon’s guide to presenting the awards? “Be fun – not funny. No-one’s listening.” Highly prophetic.
In the “Best album” mini films Mumford and sons told us about their songwriting process. “Some of these songs take years to finish” said a Mumford (or one of his sons). Presumably he wasn’t talking about how it feels to listen to the song…but no-one was quite sure.
The best cut-away of the night went to the director who chose the exact moment that Taylor Swift made an entrance to present an award to pan immediately to Harry Styles applauding sagely. Nice work.
Cordon then collared Harry Styles and asked him if he had his eye on Annie Lennox. Good gag. It seems even going out with Taylor Swift will not prevent Styles from being labelled a granny-grabber…
Of course only in the Brits would Muse be up against One Direction for best British band…and Mumford and Sons win. The waistcoated ones controversially forgot to wear their waistcoats and received a hearty round of applause from an appreciative crowd who were glad of the change in fashion stakes. Not sure M&S cardigans are a massive breakthrough however.
Timberlake then popped in with a forgettable song but with the world’s biggest Tuba in his backing band. Or was it a euphonium? And if so, a euphonium for what? (This is getting complicated).
Richard Hawley was nominated for the best male, but didn’t turn up, delicately saying that morning that he had “more chance of seeing the Queen’s tits” than winning. He was right. The Queen stripped onstage at Hawley’s gig that night, and Ben Howard won his second Brit award.
The whole of Britain meanwhile asked “Who is Ben Howard?”
Lana Del Ray then won an award, prior to One Direction doing their Comic Relief song. They properly murdered One Way or Another and Teenage Kicks in one fell swoop – truly a magnificent achievement to trash two great songs in less than three minutes.
At least it’s for charity. Goodness knows what Dave Grohl made of it.
Coldplay then won best live act which made little sense to anyone who has never seen them live.
Taylor Swift then wore a wedding dress for her live performance – presumably a pointed message to Harry Styles. No-one noticed. Especially when she changed out of it. No-one noticed the song either. Even when she speeded it up and slowed it down to make it sound more interesting.
Rock royalty then appeared – as Dave Grohl awarded the best international band award to The Black Keys. Good news, although I suspect I care more than they do.
Ben Howard then sent us all to sleep, or produced the most compelling live performance of the night, depending upon your point of view.
The evening continued with a stirring “I Will Wait” from the Mumfords. It still wasn’t as compelling as the time The Scissor Sisters played a duet with The Muppets. But do they really deserve all that opprobrium?
Emile Sande then won album of the year. Sadly I’m not sure I can hum any one of her songs, aside from “Read All About It”. Which isn’t her song is it? Congratulations to Emile for being the new Dido.
Finally a new low was reached as a new award was invented just for One Direction’s benefit. They won a Global Success Award (otherwise known as the “We love Uncle Simon Award”). All you can say is that you’d never get that at The Grammys…it almost makes you nostalgic for the days of Sam Fox and Mick Fleetwood…
Record #156 – Blondie – One Way Or Another